Archive for category Mi Vida
Feelings change. Memories don’t.
June 2010 – I open the door and she turns from her brother to look at me. At first her eyes are wide because who would enter her home without even knocking? Not even my Bella (mom) would do that. Then her eyes softened. . .even smiled. . .when she saw me. I only stopped by to make sure she knew which medicine she was suppose to take since my Tia had left the day before. I check the bottle in her hand and tell her I’ll get going. . .then she opens her arms for the first time without me initiating it. . .and hugs me.
January 2006 – I’m sitting on the ground next to the lockers looking out at the courtyard as rain pours before a doubleheader varsity soccer game at my high school. Everyone always goes to buy food from good ol’ McDonald’s or BK before games. The girls are on the other side of the courtyard and I just don’t feel like taking the long walk to the other side. He comes walking up and stoops down to my level. We talk about the rain. We talk about how I’m quiet. We talk about who is better at soccer. He gets up to leave so that he can go grab food before the game. I watch him walk away with that light as air pace.
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Lonely. I’ve come to pay a visit to you, Ash. Well, since the soldier and you broke up.
What do I bring?
An empty side of the bed.
No “Good morning, nina” texts.
No one to share that good news with anymore.
A vase of dying Gerber Daisies that you want to ignore.
Tears that will fall in the middle of your day regardless of who’s around.
Oh, I’m here to stay for awhile, too.
As soon as the soldier walked out my door this afternoon, loneliness tapped at my bedroom window and here it is. I’m not going to give every detail of what happened between the solder and I, but just know that when people are in love. . .people shouldn’t treat one another the way we did. We did have some moments when we could see the end. . .that happily ever after kind of end. . .but, we just couldn’t do it.
Imagine a small tree that has survived a hurricane, but in the process of trying to hold stead to the roots it is loosing branches. . .leaves. . .colors. . .I am that little tree struggling to hold on as the eye of the storm passes right now.
Tick. . .tock. . .tick. . .tock.
Oh, clock slow down so I can catch my breath.
“Zzzzz. . .zzzzz. . .zzzzz”
Oh, phone stop reminding me I have text messages waiting.
Beautiful Detroit Tiger blue jacket, jump off that chair and hide yourself in my laundry. . .I don’t want to be reminded that this internship is stealing me away from a spring break with my closest friends.
USF deadline e-mail, please hide in my spam folder until I’m ready to finish sending in my packet. . .oh, and packet, hop into my backpack until I’m ready to go straighten you up.
Oh, cloud of ecstasy (also known as Bed), don’t tempt me to go to bed before 9:30 p.m. I always give in when you whisper my name after a long first half of the week. Oh, there you go looking so charming.
Tonight I am anti-social and exhausted. I have deactivated my Facebook. I have now just silenced my phone. I am taking a “Just for me” night. I have had a terrible week, but let’s be real, you don’t want to hear about my problems. You have your own. We all do. I won’t burden anyone but my God with my worries, because let’s face it my problems may be minuscule compared to yours. And, like Bella says, “This is just a moment in time.”
It is 4 am on Valentine’s Day and I am faced with the ending credits of “P.S. I Love You” and a silver bowl smeared with chocolate with a few kernels of popcorn at the bottom. The Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino carton is empty and sitting in my sink. I am depressed about Valentine’s Day. I never thought it was going to happen. Right after Christmas my favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day. I am addicted to the insane amount of red and pink at every store I walk into. . .even the gas station with its little display of an 8-count box in the shape of heart with chocolate. I love the absolutely ridiculous balloons with frogs declaring their love in big, bright letters. I enjoy the romantic movie marathons on every channel with the women between 18-40 demographic. . .except for today.
And, here I am again. . .just shy of 4 a.m. and I can’t go back to sleep. It probably doesn’t help the soldier just left in the rain.
It was nothing short of an amazing 72 hours. Friday was rewarding. Saturday was relaxing. Sunday was another milestone for the soldier and me.
Job applications are minimized on my dock. Graduate school check list are in my Downloads folder. Cover letters are being personalized for heads of Media Relations and Community Outreach departments for various professional teams. Yet, as I prepare for the months that follow graduation from Florida Southern. . .I’m at a lost.
Now that I know that I can take one of several paths – God willing – I am terrified. It’s not the walk across the stage on April 30th that has me petrified. . .it’s the walk away from my family and friends who have been next to me through every single tear dropped to being the origins of my laughter that has me slowly backing away from that day. As applications are being completed. . .sacrifices are already beginning to knock on my door.
I am now officially at a lost for words. I wanted to try to sort this out. I know I will soon enough, but just not tonight I suppose.
So I suppose I’m just going to wait for the morning I can open up iTunes and play Sam Means’ song “Yeah Yeah.”
Today was the day
That I put everything in perspective
I fell asleep, when I woke up
The rain is tap dancing on the roof, and again I find myself right here on WordPress darting my hands away on this lit keyboard. I just spent the last few hours searching for jobs to apply to. . .what are the results?
- Marketing for the Red Bull New York (NJ)
- Community Relations for the San Jose Earthquakes (CA)
- Community Relations for the San Antonio Spurs (TX)
- Media Relations for the Florida Marlins (FL)
And instead of jotting down everything I need to submit for each job. . .I’m at a new lost. Read the rest of this entry »