No Excuses. . .Anymore

The rain is tap dancing on the roof, and again I find myself right here on WordPress darting my hands away on this lit keyboard.  I just spent the last few hours searching for jobs to apply to. . .what are the results?

  • Marketing for the Red Bull New York (NJ)
  • Community Relations for the San Jose Earthquakes (CA)
  • Community Relations for the San Antonio Spurs (TX)
  • Media Relations for the Florida Marlins (FL)

And instead of jotting down everything I need to submit for each job. . .I’m at a new lost.

I’ve always striven to make sure that my first plan was flawless, but I can’t do that anymore.  Right now I have three paths I can step towards:

  1. Graduate School (UF and USF are the front runners since the U is 60+ and most of their grants/fellowships are gone)
  2. Position in the Sports Industry
  3. Education (I’ve always thought about teaching and writing positions are opening up back home)

I know what I want, but whatever I choose I will end up putting a strain on relationships with the most important people in my life.  Do I want to give up my aspirations for these people?  No.  Do I want to lose these people for my aspirations?  No.  So, do you see my predicament?

If I move away from home because of graduate school or a job, I will end up adding stressing on my parents.  I know they want me to succeed I feel as if it is my responsibility to stay home to give them peace of mind.  I adore my family.  We are definitely not perfect, but they are the series of lighthouses along the shore when I’m lost in my own storm.

If I pursue a career in the sports arena, I will end up knocking all of the papers the Army has placed on the soldier’s desk assigning him to Fort Stewart, Georgia into the trash.  He sacrificed so much to be stationed in Fort Stewart for us that it’s not fair to him to just up and leave.

If I jump into education, I know I won’t be happy just yet, so why I’ve listed that as an option shows how lost I am.

I have always attempted to make everyone whom I love. . .happy – no other word for it.  By doing that, I have always placed myself and my dreams second.  I don’t have regrets, but I know that may come to an end if I pass up an opportunity by not applying to any jobs or graduate school. . .

I literally just sat here watching my cursor blink for about 10 minutes. . .

The more I tapped away at this keyboard. . .the more I realize that I’m creating excuses.  I know what I want.  I know those who love me wouldn’t even let their selfish desires stop me. . .yet, here I am. . .still hesitant to create cover letters and update my resume. . .still hesitant to pick back up my GRE study book. . .still hesitant to fall backwards off the edge of this bridge between my collegiate success and my future hopes. . know all too well that I will land neatly on a safety screen (because He has never failed me).

Though we tremble before uncertain futures
may we meet illness, death and adversity with strength
may we dance in the face of our fears.
Gloria Anzaldúa


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